September 

I went to the Doctor's a couple of weeks ago and I saw this old boy with a tree growing out of his head.  

"Blimey" I said, "What's up with you?"

"Don't know" said the man "The doc told me to come next week"

I was in the Doctor's again the following week and there he was again, this time with a little thatched cottage next to the tree.  Same story though, go back next week.

Well I was really intrigued by now, and even though my ingrown toenail was better, I decided I couldn't resist finding out what this bloke's problem was.

Sure enough, when I saw him this week he had a lake right in front of the cottage and the tree. and when he came out from seeing the Doc he had an enormous smile on his face too.

"What is it then?" I asked.

"Well" said the man "It's all okay and nothing to worry about.  It's just a beauty spot!"

This joke scored a groan factor of 9.3 

June 2008

A Jelly Baby went to the pub for a quiet evening and got talking to a Smartie.  The Smartie was a bit worried about the Jelly Baby, telling him how the pub was a bit rough and how, since he was made of jelly, the Jelly Baby might be an easy target.

"But don't worry" said the Smartie, "I've got a hard edge to me and I'll protect you!"

"Thanks" said the Jelly Baby and they carried on drinking.

A while later a couple of Lockets walked into the bar, and the Smartie dashed off to the Gents.  The Lockets advanced on poor Jelly Baby and beat him up, leaving the pub laughing heartily.

Smartie came back from the toilet and looked at Jelly Baby who said "You told me you'd protect me, but you left me alone and look what happened..."

"I'm really sorry" said Smartie, "But those two are menthol!"

This joke was scored a groan factor of 6 by the band

May 2008

I went to the pub the other day and asked the barman for three double whiskeys as quick as he could get them.  He put them on the bar, and drunk them down, 1, 2, 3, just like that.  

"Crikey" said the barman, "that was quick!"

"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had" I replied.

"Oh no, what have you got?" said the barman

"20p" I said.

April 2008

I went to the library in Shanklin last month for some new books to read and I saw this little chicken.  She was standing by the counter looking up at the librarian.

"Buk!" she said, and the librarian gave her a book and off went the Chicken.

Next time I went to the library it was to use the internet for some research.  I was sitting at the desk when the same little chicken walked by.

"Buk! Buk!" she said to the librarian, and the librarian gave her two books and the Chicken went away.

Well, when I went yesterday to renew the books I hadn't read there she was again.  

"Buk! Buk! Buk!" clucked my feathered friend.  And sure enough the librarian gave her three books.  This time I was really intrigued and I decided to follow her...we went out of the library, through the Old Village, and down to the Village Pond on the Big Mead.  

She stopped by the Pond, where a big warty frog sat on a lily pad.

"Buk!" Said the Chicken

"Reddit!" said the Frog

"Buk!" said the Chicken

"Reddit!" said the Frog

"Buk!" said the Chicken

"Reddit!" said the Frog

March 2008

I was passing by the baker's the other day and he had a sign in his window that said "Everything 50p".  Now I was a bit hungry so I went in and asked about the doughnuts,

 "50p" said the Baker.  

"What about those iced buns?" I said

"50p" said the Baker

"And how much is that crusty loaf over there?" I said

"50p, its all 50p" he said.

A lovely looking cake on the stand behind him caught my eye, "How much for the cake at the back?" I asked

"£1" said the Baker

"A pound!" I said, surprised.  "I thought you said everything was 50p"

"Yes I know" said the Baker, "But that's Madeira cake!"

February 2008

I was driving my car along the road to Ventnor the other day when I nearly crashed into the back of a little black Porsche...

The chap driving it had run over a little rabbit and was busy spraying its broken little body with an aerosol can. As you could probably imagine I was surprised to see the bunny hop up, almost as good as new.  It lollopped away down the road for a few yards and turned and signaled to us before hopping off again.  A few yards later it turned around again and gave us another little wave.  Off it hopped, turning around every so often to wave.

I was amazed.."What's in that can?" I asked

"This?" said the Porsche driver, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave of course!"